“Wind extinguishes a candle and energizes fire.”

– Nassim Taleb

Losses are teachers. Since I was a kid, that’s the moral. And things haven’t changed since. Whenever I get cocky about who I am, or what I can accomplish, I remind myself of everything I’ve lost. This isn’t to diminish my confidence, but to keep things real. I’m not going to get everything I want.

Loss also gives me strength and courage. Because if I’ve lost things and people so dear to me, then what can I be afraid of? I face fears with this in mind. One strategy I use is exposure therapy. Psychologists figured out how we can face fears slowly, just so we can work our way up towards bigger ones.

But life is a bitch. There are times when I don’t have the luxury of exposure therapy: I’m forced to swallow the pain whole. I remember when kids would bully me at school. Then my dad would abuse me after school.

There’s recent research on what’s called “post-traumatic growth.” Apparently we can gain strength from trauma. Although I doubt we should bully kids to make them stronger, since such an idea would be a scattershot, there’s something to the concept. When I lost my bestfriend, I cried for weeks. Feeling suicidal as hell. Two years later, I’m here, standing tall.

I don’t know where the future will take me, nor do I expect light after darkness. All I care about is the wisdom and courage gained from those painful experiences. Those who live like a candle just need to avoid the wind. But fucked up men like me need to find energy from loss and seek the glorious opportunity to grow.